How Can You Become the Parent Your Child Turns To?

A situation to begin with

Late one night, a daughter sent a nervous message: “I think I messed up. Please do not yell at me.” Her father felt a rush of fear, but answered calmly: “Tell me where you are and whether you are safe. I am coming to get you. We can discuss everything else after we get home.” Once she was safe, he learned what had happened and talked through responsibility. Later, she told him she had dared to send the message because he had once said, “If you are in danger, call me first. We can handle the mistake and the request for help separately.”

The first minute after disclosure can shape the next request for help

Pregnancy, threats, an image sent to the wrong person, alcohol use, or a lie can trigger an immediate urge to assign blame. Begin with three questions: Where is the child? Has anyone been hurt? Is the danger still happening? Saying “Thank you for telling me” and “Let’s make sure you are safe” does not erase family rules or consequences. It puts safety before discipline. Public humiliation, repeated reminders of past mistakes, or telling every relative about the child’s private life can make the next, more serious risk much harder to disclose.

Use less interrogation in daily life so the truth remains possible in a crisis

Knowing whom a child is with, where they are going, and when they will return is reasonable monitoring. It is not the same as round-the-clock surveillance. CDC guidance recommends clear rules and regular contact within an open, caring relationship. In a study of 703 Swedish adolescents and their parents, Stattin and Kerr found that much of parents’ knowledge came from young people’s voluntary disclosure. The sample and correlational design do not prove that a gentle parent will always be told everything. They do show why a child’s willingness to speak is part of parental awareness.

Use curiosity instead of a forced confession, and boundaries instead of panic

When a child shares part of the story, ask, “What happened next?” “What worries you most right now?” Avoid rapid questions that already contain the answer and do not demand every message on the spot. Explain which situations cannot remain private—for example, when someone may be harmed, abuse is continuing, or life is at risk. Share other information only with people who need it in order to help. If a school, clinician, or another guardian must be contacted, explain why and describe the next steps whenever possible.

Give a child more than one door to help

A child may temporarily prefer not to tell a parent about certain experiences. That does not automatically mean the parent-child relationship has failed. Identify several safe adults together: another parent, relative, teacher, school nurse, coach, or mental-health professional. CDC guidance also supports confidential one-to-one time between adolescents and trusted health-care providers during routine care. Tell your child, “If you cannot come to me first, go to someone on this list. What matters is that you do not carry it alone.” Review the list periodically to make sure each person is still trustworthy and reachable.

Do not wait for voluntary disclosure when danger is evident

Respect for privacy does not require adults to ignore obvious risk. If a child is seriously injured, missing, being abused or forced into contact, threatened over intimate images, or expressing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, adults need to contact appropriate medical, child-protection, law-enforcement, or crisis services. In the United States, call or text 988 for crisis support and call 911 for immediate danger. Reporting duties for suspected abuse vary by jurisdiction and by a person’s professional role. This lesson offers general education and cannot replace individualized legal or medical advice.

Practice for today

Hold a ten-minute family safety meeting. Agree on one rule: first arrange safety and help; discuss responsibility afterward. List three trusted adults, two professional services, and one code word your child could use when asking directly feels difficult.

The central idea

Being the person your child turns to does not mean never becoming angry. It means your child trusts that safety will come first and that the truth will be heard.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Parental Monitoring (updated 2024). https://www.cdc.gov/healthy-youth-parent-resources/positive-parental-practices/parental-monitoring.html

Stattin, H., & Kerr, M. (2000). Parental monitoring: A reinterpretation. Child Development, 71(4), 1072–1085. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8624.00210

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Supporting One-to-One Time With a Health Care Provider. https://www.cdc.gov/healthy-youth-parent-resources/positive-parental-practices/time-healthcare-provider.html