How Can Parents Help a Child Recognize Respect, Control, and Warning Signs?

A situation to begin with

A daughter told her father that her boyfriend expected immediate replies and read all of her messages. Her father nearly blurted out, “Cut him off right now. I am afraid these behaviors will hurt you.” Instead, he paused and asked, “What happens when you say no? Have you ever felt afraid?” She then explained that the boyfriend had once blocked the classroom doorway and refused to let her leave. Her father did not blame her for continuing the relationship. Together they contacted a trusted teacher, changed her route home, and preserved relevant information.

Begin by helping a child recognize respect

Respect is not measured only by gifts, enthusiasm, or sweet words. It becomes especially visible in how someone responds to refusal, differences, and privacy. A healthy relationship leaves room for friends, school, interests, and rest. When one person says no, the other may feel disappointed, but stops rather than using humiliation, threats, or repeated pressure to change the answer. Discuss concrete situations instead of creating a list of “good people” and “bad people.” A person’s family, grades, popularity, or identity cannot substitute for observing their behavior.

Ordinary conflict is different from a pattern of control

One episode of jealousy, an argument, or a misunderstanding does not by itself establish a controlling relationship. Look for repeated patterns: restricting friends or clothing, demanding passwords, constantly checking location, exposing private information, undermining self-worth, threatening a breakup or self-harm, blocking someone’s path after a refusal, following them, or forcing contact. The CDC describes teen dating violence as including physical violence, sexual violence, psychological aggression, and stalking. These categories help identify behavior; they are not personality diagnoses for either young person.

Changes can open a conversation, but they are not proof

A child who suddenly withdraws from friends, receives lower grades, seems constantly tense, has unexplained injuries, or watches the phone anxiously deserves attentive concern. No single sign proves that violence is occurring. Begin with an observation: “I notice that messages have been making you very tense lately, and I am worried. Would you like to tell me what has been happening?” Ask less, “Why would you choose a person like that?” and more, “Do you feel safe?” “Has this person ever stopped you from leaving?” “What kind of help would feel useful?”

Do not replace safety support with total control

A parent may want to seize the phone, forbid all contact, or confront the other young person. Those actions can drive the relationship into secrecy and, when danger is real, may trigger retaliation. First learn what the child fears most. Then plan together: trusted adults, accompaniment to and from school, a code word for urgent help, safe preservation of information, and support services. Adults remain responsible for a minor’s safety, but should explain interventions and include the child’s views as much as possible. CDC’s Dating Matters research supports prevention involving families, schools, and peers; no program can guarantee safety in an individual case.

When danger appears, safety comes before discussing the relationship

If there is strangulation or choking, a weapon threat, forced sexual contact, confinement, an explicit death threat, persistent stalking, or fear of retaliation during a breakup, do not arrange for the two young people to meet alone to talk or reconcile. Contact school safety staff, medical care, and local teen-dating-violence or domestic-violence services and develop an individualized safety plan. Call 911 in the United States when danger is happening now; elsewhere, contact local emergency services. Threats of self-harm also need a serious response from adults, medical professionals, or crisis services. A child must not be required to remain in a relationship to keep someone else alive.

Practice for today

You and your child each create three cards labeled Respect, Control, and Danger, without using anyone’s name. For every example, discuss: Was this a single event or a repeated pattern? What happened after a no? If the behavior escalates, whom can we contact?

The central idea

Helping a child recognize danger is not about passing judgment on a relationship. It is about teaching them to observe behavior, trust discomfort, and reach dependable adults when help is needed.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. About Teen Dating Violence. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/about-teen-dating-violence.html

Niolon, P. H. et al. (2019). An RCT of Dating Matters: Effects on Teen Dating Violence and Relationship Behaviors. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 57(1), 13–23. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.amepre.2019.02.022